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Author’s Note: The following memories are of Relena and Heero and do not follow a particular timeline. These aren’t all of them just a few important ones. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking this through and writing it so please review!
Enjoy!
What it's like Missing You
~Phoenixstar
What It’s Like Missing You – A collection of memories from a torn existence.
Relena and Heero
~~~
PAST
~~~
"This is the way it was in the beginning…
This is the way it will be in the end."
~~~
-Why?-
She is startled when he wipes the stray tears from her cheeks.
-Because I will destroy you.-
~~~
As he had almost every night since the end of the war Heero stood outside Relena’s room. After nightfall he would always sneak past the security and hide in the garden amongst the trees and bushes, watching intently with his soldier’s instinct until he was sure she was asleep. When the lights were off he would make his way over to the wall and scramble up the trellis.
There he would spend most of the night, sitting cross-legged on her balcony, with his hand pressed firmly against the glass. He wouldn’t sleep; he would just sit there watching her rhythmic breathing with his hand pressed against the glass.
He would leave before dawn broke, scrambling back down the wall escaping unnoticed in the semi-light of the early hours.
Every morning Relena awoke to find the steamy outline of a handprint on the balcony door. It would stay no more than a few seconds before it would follow its owner, disappearing into the morning.
~~~
He stood back, the rain pounding against his warm skin, soaking through his shirt. He stood next to the window, frozen in the light. He had been sure that she was sleeping but the moving shadow proved him wrong.
He watched, slightly stunned as the shadow grew, and Heero panicked. Aware of the fact that she would be more than slightly unnerved by the prospect that he was on her balcony in the middle of the night unannounced, he did the only logical thing he could do other than run (for his feet seemed to be frozen to the stone beneath them). He raised his hand, letting the cool raindrops that had collected in flawless bubbles on his hand trail down the window, leaving silver paths. Against what resolve he thought he had, had he knocked, quietly though, barely audible over the pounding rain.
She froze, looking at the curtains, begging them to reveal the secret they covered. She was worried at first and thought about summoning Zechs or Noin, but then again, she was on the second floor and the person was knocking, asking for permission for her attention.
She drew back the curtains hesitantly, slowly squinting against the bright light, which reflected from inside her room.
He saw her there and for a moment his stomach dropped and he regretted having come. He held her gaze, searching her eyes for the reason he was standing there in the rain on her balcony. She looked back at him, searching his eyes for the same answer.
She slowly lifted her hand and rested it on the glass, reaching out for him. She shuddered as she felt the cool glass against her skin and felt as it drew the heat from her hand, causing a ring of condensation to form around her hand. He was slightly startled by the movement but his expression seemed to soft, just a little and he raised his hand to meet hers. As they stood reaching out for each other, holding each other gaze it seemed like an understanding passed between them. They stood like that for some time, neither wanting to move, just revelling in the moment.
* Bang... Bang… * -Relena? You okay in there?-
-Zechs?- Relena turned her head startled. She turned and looked back at the window and watched with longing and defeat clouding her eyes as she witnessed the only proof of his visit disappear. The knocking in the background was ignored as Relena watched the traces of his handprint vanish.
~~~
She jumped to her feet and ran towards the window. This hadn’t been the first time she had heard the knocking. Ever since his last ‘visit’ many months ago, every time she was alone in her room late at night she would hear the knocking, but it was always in her head, her longing to see him and her mind, tired from staying up until obscene hours of the night not wanting to miss him if he came, triggered her ears to fool her heart. When she reached the curtains she stopped, not wanting to pull them back and feel her heart ache again when she realised he wasn’t there, but her longing and desire overrode her reason and she whipped it back.
She gasped, looking at the beaten and tired figure of Heero standing on her balcony. She didn’t think twice about opening the door and so, flung it open. He looked lost, worried, and sad, three expressions she had never seen on his usually expressionless visage. Startled she stepped back, pulling the door with her and motioned for him to come in.
He met her gaze as he stepped in, and without breaking it she moved to shut the door. As she went to click the lock on the door his arm shot out towards her, but halfway through the motion he seemed to have second thoughts, and so the limb was held motionless in the air. She broke their stare and moved into the room and sat back down at her desk, spinning the chair round so she could watch him.
He stood where he was for a few moments before walking over to a spot of exposed wall and leaned against it. He slowly let his back slide down its roughly painted surface and sat hunched over, looking at his feet.
When Relena awoke the next morning he was gone, but she smiled to herself knowing he would be back.
~~~
-Heero? What’s going on?-
-Shhhh…- he whispered and took her hands in his, noting how they were cold and shaking. After a while of complete silence his voice quietly cracked through the air again. -Last I heard they were heading in the other direction. From what I know of this place I have a suspicion that they are heading to either one of two places: the storage room for the ammunition and the mobile suits, or to the control room. Considering they seem to be junior officers I would guess they are heading for the mobile suits. So that means if we head to the docking port where we entered the way should be clear. When I say go you follow me okay?-
She nodded blindly, afraid for her life and his. Heero pulled his gun out and looked down the hallway both ways before pulling her to her feet and taking a mad dash down the corridor to the right. She stumbled after him blindly, willing her feet to match his movements. They spun round the corner only to come face to face with a lone officer.
-What are you doing here?- He bellowed. Heero pushed his gun into the officer’s face.
-Relena, get down.-
-No, Heero don’t…-
* Bang *
-Relena run… NOW!- Relena clumsily stumbled to her feet.
-You didn’t…-
-No. In the leg. Now run. I’m right behind you.- She started running and was comforted by the fact that she could hear his light footsteps behind her.
* Bang *
-HEERO!- She turned, paling in the face as she saw him go down. She watched as he tried to get to his feet, and hobbled over to where she was.
-I thought I told you to run,- he managed coldly between clenched teeth.
-I couldn’t. You’re hurt and… And I didn’t know where we were going.- He merely grunted, him leading, but walking this time, every so often leaning on a wall for support, refusing her shoulder. Finally they made it to a shuttle. Somehow a miracle had occurred, and they had not been found out since the confrontation. Heero took change and auto piloted the craft before collapsing on the floor. Relena suppressed a scream and started tending to his wound despite his futile swings at her to ward her off.
When she was sure he was sleeping, she quietly lay down beside him, taking him in her arms protectively, warding off his pain.
~~~
She watched him leaning against the floor in her room. She sighed deeply; once again he hadn’t said a thing since he came. She wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t say a thing before he left either. She looked back to her book, reading the same meaningless words over and over in her head. She couldn’t help but look up and sneak a glace at him again. She was startled at first but raised her head and looked into his eyes with the same vigour he was using with her. Relena just stared back, not wanting to give into their competition. She wasn’t one to go down without a fight.
-Relena…- his voice was shaky.
-Yes Heero?-
-Why?-
-Why what?-
-Why this?-
-Look, sorry Heero but I don’t understand.- He stood up, but held her gaze. For a few moments, her heart did double time, fearing that he was going to leave. Instead he just walked towards her, never once breaking eye contact. He stood just a pace from her and crouched down so their faces were even. He gently ran his finger down her face, tracing the line of her chin. She closed her eyes and revelled in the feeling of his rough calloused hands on her skin. She shivered involuntarily. He withdrew his hand.
-Why this?- he repeated, searching her eyes.
-I… I don’t know yet…-
-Yet…- he repeated more to himself than her. -Relena…-
-Yes? She looked up, his image blurred by tears threatening to cascade down her face.
-We… I… I’ll give you time. I need time. I am going away for a bit.- He looked at her, searching her eyes again, as if he were attempting to read her like a book. He stood and walked to the doorway and turned. She stood up and rushed over to him. He raised his hand and she did the same pressing her small one against his.
-Time…-
~~~
-HEERO!- she shouted over the voices of the people around her. -HEERO!- she repeated, cupping her hands to her mouth. She had to restrain herself from running and tackling him in a massive hug. She hadn’t seen him in ages, but it was all forgot as she saw him on the other side of the room with Duo. -Oh Heero it is really you!’ She squealed with joy.
-Relena!- cried Duo. -What’s new good looking?- He winked and a broad grin crept across his face, but deciding that her attention was elsewhere he just smirked at Heero and disappeared amongst the crowds. -I’ll catch you two later then!-
-Relena,- Heero nodded.
-Oh Heero, you wouldn’t believe how I have missed you. After what I heard about your last mission, and from what Quatre said I thought I would take a miracle to bring you back to us!- She shot him a coy smile, but then her smile turned to a frustrated frown as she looked around the room. -Lets go upstairs, to my room.- She started. Seeing the startled look on his face she blushed profusely. -No, no silly. I just want to talk and get away from all these people. From your expression before I figured you wouldn’t mind.-
-No, I wouldn’t mind.- He stated blandly. Seeing as he was providing no resistance she grabbed his arm and pulled him along. When they got to her room she locked the door behind them and started giggling. Heero simply cocked an eyebrow.
-You wouldn’t believe the fit my brother would have if he found you in here!- Heero smirked slightly as the image popped into his mind. She plunked down on her bed, letting out a sigh of relief. -I haven’t seen you since, we were at Quatre’s party, six months ago to the day I think. I didn’t get to say goodbye to you, you left on your mission the next day.-
-I didn’t want to say goodbye. Goodbyes are finite. I would end up having to apologise later. Sorry’s are better than goodbyes because with a sorry, there is always hope.- Relena looked up at him, stunned by his admission.
-Heero…- She sounded worried, and moved closer to him. She put her finger under his chin and tilted his heads up so he was looking at her. He startled her by grabbing her wrist and pulling her up against his body. Despite her surprise she didn’t resist. She looked up into his face, leaning her head against his chest listening to his heart beating quickly, but paced in his chest.
-I realised I missed you. I may not have myself all figured out yet, but I'm all yours.- She collapsed into his arms, sobbing quietly into his chest. She was so happy she couldn’t contain it.
~~~
-I want to destroy the gundams. All of them.-
-But Relena…-
-Peace has come, and stayed. I want them destroyed.-
-No.-
-And why not?-
-Because… Because it’s important to me. I know they are just as important to the other pilots as well.-
-More important that peace.-
-No. But they provide a peace of another kind. One of mind and security.-
-I still don’t want to keep them. And I don’t want anyone else to either.-
-What if I promise never to use it again?-
-Then what is the point of keeping it?-
-What’s the point of keeping you around now that we have peace?-
-Hmph. That wasn’t funny you know!-
-I know. I am right you know.-
-…-
-I’ll tell the rest of the guys. You can keep them here so that you can see that we will never use them. We promise we’ll never use them.-
-I would still rather they destroyed, but you’ll never do it though will you? So I guess your word is just as good. And you had better stick to it, or else you’ll have to live with the consequences.-
-I vow I won’t- Relena stepped back sighing in frustration. He grabbed her arms and pressed their palms together between them. -I promise…-
~~~
-Wake up.-
-Ugh…-
-Wake up.-
-What time is it? Can’t I sleep in. Pretty please?-
-No.- he said firmly pulling the covers back. She missed him smirk as she curled up into a ball for warmth, pulling the pillow back over her head in an attempt to go back to sleep. -You are getting up now. We are going out today.-
-Out?-
-Yes, out. Now get up.- Slowly, Relena sat up and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. Seeing that he was serious, she wasted no time in getting ready. When she was ready she looked out on the balcony at him. She knew she had never loved him more than she did now, and even if he didn’t say it, feeling it was even better.
As if sensing her presence behind him he turned to face her. Motioning with his hand she stepped out beside him into the glaring hot summer sun. When they were down in the garden she opened her mouth to question him, but he silenced her with his hand. Taking one of hers with his other he pulled her behind him, away from the mansion towards the forest, to make the most of that beautiful day.
~~~
Relena sat there looking down at her hand, twisting her fingers in the light so that the solitary stone in the ring would reflect all the colours of her heart. She smiled. Happiness.
~~~
-Hey Zechs you better hurry up they’re getting closer. They know we are here!--But we can’t, you know that!-
-…- Silence. The six scurrying figures paused.
-If we don’t we are good as dead.-
-If we do we’ll probably be worse you know!-
-…-
-We must protect this.-
-What about our promise?-
-They are coming and quickly, we’d better make up our minds and fast!-
-…-
* BOOM *
The six just looked at each other because running towards their respective suits.
~~~
-Stop. All of you stop this!-
* BOOM *
~~~
~~~
PRESENT
~~~
-I’ve never seen anything like it, Relena,- Heero murmured to the comatose figure in the hospital bed. Visiting hours were long over, but no one thought to guard the building against the likes of Heero Yuy. He had snuck in right after the nurse had left, and if anyone was to come in there and see the pained expression on his face they would have left him well enough alone. He'd been too busy earlier, comforting the others and calming them down. He had run away from them, they didn’t understand it, they understood enough to see the grief and destruction, the blood and the screams, but not enough to understand him.
-I suppose we'd sort of known about the fighting,- he continued softly. -For all we'd sworn we'd stop it, Relena, the rest of us just looked at each other, and… and we couldn't do it. It’s the way we are. Why couldn’t you see that?- He sighed, staring at his hands. They were beginning to shake again; he'd thought he was past that.
-I'd never really thought of what it would be like,- he choked. -I just can't think of any other way to describe it. We were just glaring at each other and you saw it. But you… you ran out into the middle of it all, and wouldn’t leave. And when we didn’t see you, and you were hit… You should have seen your brother. It was like he could feel all your pain. He was screaming so,- Heero whispered, -I don’t know if you heard him scream. I don’t remember what it sounded like, just the way it ripped right through me.-
-I don’t think anyone else saw. I’m glad we were the only ones there. You shouldn’t have done that. It was terrible. I’ll have nightmares of it for the rest of my damned life.- Heero stared blankly at the wall.
-We just watched as you were screaming and twisting, your blood staining the ground. Duo and Trowa hid their faces and tried to turn away, even I tried to block it out. But I had to watch, it was my fault.- His voice quavered slightly for a moment.
-The blood was running over you so thickly it looked like… It looked like…- he paused, unable to continue. -You just lay there screaming. You shed six tears, one for the each of us. We blew them up after they took you away. We couldn’t stand the sight of them anymore. This is all that’s left- Reaching into his pocket, Heero drew out a small handful of metal chips.
-Milliardo’s got the rest,- he muttered. -He insisted on keeping them, as sign of our mistake. I just want to bury or hide them and run away from there. Things like this just weren't meant to be. And all I could think was things couldn’t get any worse.-
-We didn’t clean up the blood or the debris from the explosion,- Heero spoke quietly, watching Relena's various monitors flash and flicker. -The light from the blast was so blinding, none of us really saw what happened. When you stopped screaming, but that's where the rest of us began,- He cringed. -I can't say I blame them, though. We thought we killed you with that fight; that somehow breaking our vow did this to you.-
-I don't know, my love,- he sighed. -I just don't know. Of course, the grand tragedy of it is that you are here because of the one thing we vowed never to do again. The same thing you pledged your life to stop. Twisted justice, perhaps. Duo says he’s just going to keep praying as long as it takes, we all are. You know I never believed in prayer, but still, wouldn't be the first or most impossible thing we've pulled off, eh?- Heero managed a feeble smile and rested a strong hand on Relena’s arm, taking care not to disturb the bandages, braces, or IV lines.
-We’re missing you so much, Relena. I miss you. I can't be sure if that's a good thing or not that we destroyed the gundams. It showed us. You just come back, okay? You have to come back.- For a moment he just sat there, staring at the bandaged, broken face on the sterile bed. As he stood to leave he thought he heard the barest whisper in his mind… Relena's voice…
'Sorry…'
And one by one, the monitors fell to flat-lines, their electronic alarms clashing with Heero's strangled cry.
You will come backConvince yourself you can stay alive
And wait for me
And I know what this was for
If you leave
There ain’t nothing here at all
Another month, a year that’s all
I don’t want to realise you’re missing
~~~
-This is the way it was in the beginning…
This is the way it will be in the end.-
~~~
-Why?-
She is startled when he wipes the stray tears from her cheeks.
-Because I will destroy you.-